How to Be Kind & More Assertive

What comes to mind when you think about being assertive?

Do you picture someone being aggressive, harsh, and over the top? People who are demanding and focused on getting what they want?

When I think of assertive, my granddaughter comes to mind. She was asserting herself before her first birthday. She had opinions and desires and was able express what she wanted with just her sweet chubby finger. The bulk of her desires were off limits, but that didn’t keep her from declaring her wishes again and again.

A few summers back on our family beach trip, she confidently told her older cousin, “If you follow my directions, you will have more fun!”

That confident granddaughter soon turns eight and she is no less assertive today. She is bold in making requests to those she knows and is loved by, and if you don’t fit into that category, she has no problem acting like you don’t exist.

Would you consider yourself an assertive person?

What is Assertiveness?

A definition I am partial to:

Communicating with others in a direct and honest manner without intentionally hurting anyone’s feelings.

What Impacts Your Level of Assertiveness?

1. Your Beliefs

Your beliefs around assertiveness influence your level of assertiveness. If you view being assertive as negative, you will resist showing up that way. On the other hand, if you see being assertive as positive and a way of communicating clearly, you are probably more likely to be assertive.

2. Assertiveness & Attachment Styles

Another interesting factor impacting your level of assertiveness is your attachment style.

According to work done by Josephine Moss and Casey Jordan Mace, if you have an Avoidant Attachment style, you are more likely to operate with a low level of assertiveness. It’s interesting to note that those with this attachment style also typically have low levels of self-esteem and relationship satisfaction as well.

An Anxious Attachment style also leads to a low level of assertiveness, self-esteem, and relationship satisfaction.

High levels of assertiveness, self-esteem, and relationship satisfaction are all found in the Secure Attachment style. The more secure you are, the more assertive you will be.

3. Tolerance for Conflict

If your tolerance for conflict is low then you won’t be willing to risk being assertive. However, if your tolerance for conflict is higher, you are more likely to be assertive.

A close cousin to conflict is criticism. If you receive in criticism well, you’ll be more willing to put yourself out there.

4. Limited Self-Awareness

Knowing yourself well – how you feel, what you want, and what you need, allows you to express your feelings and needs assertively. It’s difficult to be assertive minus that information.

5. Prone to People Pleasing

If your goal is making others happy or seeking the approval of others, you won’t be willing to be assertive yourself, especially if it will jeopardize the happiness of others.

6. Communication Skills

Maybe you’ve never been given the tools needed to confidently express your needs, wants, and desires in a kind and assertive way.

7. Cultural Influences

If you are a part of a culture that down plays your personal needs and focuses on the needs of the whole, the group, or the community speaking up and voicing your thoughts, opinions, needs and so on is hard.

Relate to any of the above factors that might be inhibiting your ability to be assertive?

Perks To Being More Assertive

There are some nice perks to being more assertive. Assertive people…

• Enjoy better relationships.
• Experience less stress, anxiety, and worry.
• Feel less resentment.
• Have a clear sense of who they are.
• Are more empowered.
• Get more of their needs and desires met.
• Have greater confidence and their self-esteem is higher.
• Communicate more effectively.
• Achieve their goals.
• Are respected.

Fear’s Role

Is fear causing you to be wishy-washy, indecisive, or silencing your voice? Or is fear the reason you are overly aggressive and demanding?

Fear never allows you to show up at your best!

When you are too passive, people think you are a pushover.

When you are too aggressive, people think you are a jerk.

Being kindly assertive conveys confidence and people respect you!

Passive is at one end of the continuum and aggressive is at the other. Smack in the middle: Assertive.

There’s no magic pill for being more assertive, but the more you practice these ABC’s, the more natural being assertive becomes.

A = Awareness

Being assertive starts with awareness and knowing…

• That YOU are valuable – the God of the Universe has uniquely crafted you in His image. That alone makes you valuable. He even went one step further: He treasured you enough to sacrifice His Son so that you might enjoy a relationship with Him.
• What your values, strengths, limits, needs, and wants are. Those are crucial pieces of information; all aspects of self-awareness, that enables you to articulate in a polite and respectful manner your opinions, suggestions, feelings, wants, limits, etc. assertively.
• What’s your responsibility and what’s not so that you can proactively handle your problems without blaming others or expecting them to resolve them for you.
• That others may not always agree with you or your choices and being OK with that. You aren’t responsible for how others feel or behave. You are only responsible for yourself and treating others respectfully – they are valuable too.
• Exactly what your boundaries are and maintaining them well. Boundaries define what you are going to do, not what others can or can’t do.

B = Beliefs

Your beliefs have the potential to silence you, set you off in an angry tirade, or help you assert yourself. First you must understand the beliefs that are at work and keeping you from being the assertive person you desire to be.

If spotting these beliefs is something you aren’t sure how to do, enlist the help of a coach or a counselor. It may take a little time, but the effort invested is worth it!

Here are a few beliefs that might be hindering you from being assertive:

• They (should) know what I need/want.
• I am too young, inexperienced, unworthy, or _____________.
• If I say “no” they won’t love, appreciate, accept, respect, or ________________ me.
• I’m not smart or lack confidence.
• My worth is dependent on what others think about me.
• I don’t matter, I’m not enough, or any of the other ways your Fear Monster shows up.
• If I’m assertive, they will think I’m too aggressive, pushy, arrogant, controlling, or ______________.
• If I say “no” something awful might happen.
• Disagreeing with others is not OK.

Your beliefs drive your feelings, your feelings drive your actions (being assertive or not), and your actions determine the results you get. Those results then influence your beliefs and on and on it goes!

C = Communication

Communicating well and assertiveness go hand in hand. Here are a few tips to keep in mind as you step out and share more assertively:

• Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements – they are better received! I want, I feel, I need…
• Count to 10 or 20 or 100 if you must, but remain calm.
• Be direct and keep your requests short, sweet, and to the point. Don’t wind up, warm up, or beat around the bush.
• Be willing to say “no” explaining your why behind the “no”.
• Reserve apologies for mistakes, hurting someone, or failing to live up to a commitment. Feeling guilty for speaking up or feeling unsure aren’t reasons for being apologetic.
• Remember, your body is shouting loud and clear! Make sure your body language is conveying confidence. Stand tall. Look people in the eye. Shake their hands firmly.
• Be empathetic. It’s easy to assume the motivation of others, but you don’t know what the other person is thinking, feeling, or what they are dealing with that might be affecting their interactions with you.
• Don’t be afraid to pause and ask for a moment to gather your thoughts.
• Use positive language and watch your verbs:
  • • I will do “x” is better than I could or should do “x”.
    • I choose to do “x” is better than I must do “x”.
    • I want to do “x” is better than I need to do “x”
• Stick to your point which sounds like this:

“I’m unable to take on that assignment with my current work load.”

“I understand that this is important, but I’m unable to take on that assignment with my current work load.”

“I would love to help. Unfortunately, I’m unable to take on that assignment with my current work load.”

This is not something you would use on a whim, but it is an effective way to respond when someone persistently ignores your “no”.

• Ask for what you want. A request, not a demand.
• When a situation escalates, be sure that you don’t. Communicate clearly. For example…

“This is the third time I’ve addressed this issue of being late with you. The next time you’re late I will take action by…”

Depending on the circumstances, this may also be an opportunity to practice using SBI (Situation Behavior & Impact) that is described in this blog post under #8.

Be Patient

Becoming more assertive is possible. It’s a process. Be patient with yourself. Start small. Keep at it. Anticipate missteps and affirm yourself for trying!

With each triumph you’ll feel that much more empowered and confident! Don’t forget the happy perks I shared earlier.

What’s keeping you from being assertive?

Want to become more assertive? Let’s partner together so you can show up the way you would like to!

© Can Stock Photo / Shalom3