Personality: A Super Helpful Lens for Conflict

Imagine a world without conflict. It sounds dreamy, right? It’s especially appealing to those of you who prefer avoid conflict.

Regrettably, a world free of conflict is unrealistic this side of heaven. Everything changed the day Adam and Eve made the choice to eat of the forbidden fruit in the garden. That was the very first conflict. (Genesis 3)

Immediately following this conflict in Genesis 4, another arises with Adam and Eve’s sons, Cain and Abel. Cain was a farmer and offered some of His first fruits as an offering to God. Abel was a shepherd, and killed one of his sheep offering the best parts to God as an offering.

God was pleased with Abel’s offering and displeased with Cain’s, which infuriated Cain. Seething with anger, Cain invites his brother to join him in the fields where he takes his brother’s life. That’s serious conflict!

When you and I are in conflict with God and His ways, it leads to conflict with others!

The Root of Conflict

All these years later, conflict continues to wreak havoc in our relationships! Since the fall, our selfish desires, pride, and fears abound stirring up conflict. You know as well as I do that when people are involved, conflict is inevitable.

I don’t know anyone who actually enjoys conflict, do you? It’s true that some people are certainly more troubled by conflict than others and facing conflict is less intimidating when you have the skills to navigate it. The problem is that most were never given the tools to navigate conflict well!

Conflict Isn’t All Bad

Conflict, in and of itself, isn’t negative. It all depends on what it leads to. If it leads to harming someone else physically or emotionally like it did in Cain’s case, then it is far from positive. However, conflict also has the potential to lead to solutions that are more creative when approached in a win-win way!

Within the last week, I’ve encountered a half dozen or so situations where I was at odds with another person. Some of those situations were minor and easy to overlook and move on. Some of those situations were more momentous. I bet you’ve experienced a few conflicts of your own in the last week or so!

What is Conflict?

Conflict is a clash of styles or a form of friction.

What Causes Conflict?

Conflict is commonly thought to take place between people, but you can also experience conflict with yourself or internal conflict when your actions or behaviors are out of alignment with your values, desires, or emotions.

Conflicts arise out of…

• Clashes in personality or behavior styles
• Unclear communication or misunderstandings
• Differing perceptions or assumptions
• Contradictory goals and/or priorities
• Performance issues
• Stressful and/or pressure filled situations
• Opposing values
• Perceived unfairness
• Conflicts of interest
• Strong emotions
• Lack of trust, empathy, or support
• Cultural differences
• Power imbalances
• Resistance to change
• Unmet expectations

This list is far from exhaustive because there’s no end to what has the potential to lead to conflict!

What to Do About Conflict

Left unresolved, conflict has a way of negatively impacting your life and work, and making you miserable. That’s why it’s essential to deal with conflict promptly when you encounter it and take steps to resolve it.

Because you are an integrated human, your unresolved conflict at home negatively affects your work and unresolved conflict at work leaks out at home in detrimental ways. That’s why dealing with conflict well is such a valuable skill.

The Personality Perspective

There are numerous frameworks out there to help you navigate conflict, but what if you were able to prevent or minimize conflict before it evolved into something ugly?

That’s where understanding personalities comes in! If you haven’t completed a DISC assessment, I would encourage you to do that. It will help you become more self-aware – highlighting your personality’s strengths and potential weaknesses, and pointing out where conflict might show up for you.

The tendency is to expect other people to be just like you, but nothing could be further from the truth! With that in mind, here’s what’s super helpful for you to know around personalities and how they intersect with conflict.

1. Understanding What Triggers YOU.

The graphic below shows what the four DISC behavior styles or personality types focus on in the midst of conflict. You will notice how…

• • • D’s Logic & Winning is in opposition to an S’s Feelings & Consensus.
    • I’s Expression & Feelings is in opposition to a C’s Justice & Logic.
    • While D’s & I’s tend to be more FAST paced, that’s in direct conflict with how S’s & C’s prefer to go SLOW.
    • D’s & C’s are Logic and Task driven, while I’s & S’s are motivated by their Feelings & People.

See how different personalities are a set up for conflict?

As a leader or parent, it’s your responsibility to adapt to the personality on the other side of you, not the other way around. Walking that out that requires skill – the ability to recognize what the other person’s personality is based on the many clues they are giving you day in and day out. That just one of the many things I appreciate about the DISC approach to personalities is that it’s simple and easy to remember so that you can apply it on the fly.

Once you have a grasp on the four DISC personality types, noticing the various types at play in the people around you is easy if you pay attention and practice!

2. Understanding YOUR Conflict Hot Buttons

Which of these typical hot buttons for each of the four DISC behavioral styles do you relate to?

I’ve shared the four DISC behavioral styles or personality types here, but most people are a unique blend of D-I-S-C. For example, I’m a D/C, and because opposites attract, my husband is an I/S.

It’s not uncommon for a couple to be opposite one another, but what’s interesting is that together they end up making up a “whole person” encompassing all four behavioral styles. Of course, there’s plenty of room for tension when you are so different, requiring you to appreciate those differences and flex to one another.

Knowing those tension points in advance helps to make troubled moments less personal!

3. Understanding YOUR Reactions

In order to improve your ability to respond to conflict, make an effort to keep your personality in check. Having a certain personality or DISC behavioral style is never an excuse for bad behavior!

Here are some ways that the different personality styles naturally react to conflict.

It takes time to understand yourself and it takes time and some practice to understand and interact with others who may be completely different from you.

Be Mindful Of…

Here are a few final things to keep in mind:

• • • Some of the most spirited clashes take place when the parties involved have the same behavioral style, but very different values or views.
    • The chance of conflict increases when you are operating out the immature part of your personality versus the mature part.
    • When working out of your flesh rather than the Spirit it increases the odds of conflict.
    • Conflict grows and becomes more intense under the surface when two individuals that are prone to avoiding conflict are at odds and unwilling to address the issues.

A Happy Perk

Interacting with the DISC behavioral styles in mind goes a long way towards preventing and resolving conflicts more successfully!

Understanding conflict through the lens of personality is an excellent tool for minimizing conflict in families, work environments, or ministry settings. That’s a happy perk!

When those around you are familiar with the DISC behavior styles it becomes easier to talk about. Don’t hesitate to communicate something like this: “I’m being a bit of a “D” right now by being so direct, but I would love to hear what makes this so important to you.”

Or “my “I“ side is taking over – I’m sorry. I really want to listen to you. What makes this so important to you?”

Having these sorts of phrases in your back pocket is an easy way to diffuse the intensity of a conflict for both you and the other party!

You can learn a whole lot more about how to communicate with the various DISC behavior styles in this blog post.

It’s difficult to be sure what personality Adam, Eve, Cain, or Abel had based on the little we have to go on in scripture.  What we do know is that some of the very things I urged you to be mindful of were factors!

Think back to the last conflict you were engaged in big or small. What do you know now that would have helped you then?

Want to identify your unique DISC behavioral style or the behavioral styles on your team? Contact me here to get started.