How To Best Deal With “Prickly People”

“Prickly people” are everywhere! That means there will be some prickly folks at work too – people who rub you the wrong way, rarely have a positive thing to say, and are just rough to deal with.

John Ortberg calls those kinds of people “porcupines” in his book Everybody’s Normal Till You Get to Know Them.

And sometimes you are prickly too!

A Porcupine Encounter

Recently I had a prickly encounter at the grocery store. Hanging out in the middle of the produce section was a dad interacting with his four kids while mom focused on shopping.

I was caught completely off guard as the dad piped up in a loud voice saying. “Um, ma’am, we are trying to teach manners here and how to say excuse me” as I reached for some tomatoes.

Prickly people have a way of saying the darnedest things! I wasn’t quite sure what he was trying to communicate. Was I the rude one for not saying excuse me? Or just a general announcement that they were working on manners? Who knows!

I confess in the moment all I could say was, “Are we now?”

Initially I felt awful. Did I barge in front of this man? How could I have been so careless?

Produce is my first stop in the grocery store so I had the entire rest of my shopping adventure to wrestle with that interesting moment.

As I rounded the last aisle of the grocery store there was the family…again. By then such chaos had erupted with the kids that I could see the need for some manners!

Encounters with porcupines often cause you to second guess yourself, stir up funky emotions, and leave your mind a-spinning!

Porcupines, Pens, and Points

Prickly people are everywhere and you don’t have to meet up with them in person to experience the prick of their points.

Sometimes prickly people get extra prickly when they communicate in writing – in emails, texts, letters, comments in social media etc. Maybe because they don’t have to look you in the eye while making their points, they are free to poke a bit more. Or are the previous prickly encounters with a porcupine coloring how you read their words? Perhaps both are true?

I’ve observed that personality often plays a role in prickly written communication. If you are familiar with DISC, those with an “I” personality (for “I’s” think fun-lover, outgoing, talkative types) often come off harsh and demanding in print, when they would never communicate that way in person.

And if they are an “I/D” (for “Ds” think in charge, driving, dominant types who tend to be more direct) then the intensity of their words may get kicked up a notch and feel extra prickly!

An Email From A Porcupine

A while back I got a prickly e-mail – you know, one of those emails that really stings!

I waited to reply until the next day and made the conscious choice to respond in a very upbeat, positive, and friendly way.

I wish I could say that’s always my first thought, but it isn’t. The truth is there are moments when I slip into the porcupine mode myself!

The following day I got a delightful reply along with an apology for the not-so-nice-toned email that was surprising, even to them, after re-reading their e-mail.

Pondering Porcupines

When confronted with porcupine people, I have a choice: I can react and match the prickly tone, or I can make the choice to respond in a way that’s congruent with who God created me to be.

As I pondered prickly encounters further, I wondered what it was that keeps me from responding in an upbeat, positive, and friendly way all the time. Here’s what I came up with:

• I feel threatened, shamed, or misunderstood, resulting in a need to set the record straight. (my insecurities)
• I’m stressed and already on edge – nothing to do with anyone else. (my issues)
• I’m tired, hungry, or already frustrated. (my poor self-management)
• I’ve been going at full speed and not getting the margin I need. (my poor planning)
• My Fear Monster is alive and well! (me caving to fear)
• I’ve lost sight of who God created me to be; my identity in Him. (my identity confusion)

They say that hurt people hurt people. That rings true for “porcupine people” too! When you lack confidence, are unsure of who you are, or are in protective mode, there’s a greater chance that you will rub others the wrong way. That’s why being crystal clear and secure in who God created you to be matters – so you show up less prickly!

God created you for relationship which is why you long to be close to others, but when you operate out of the “poke you before you poke me mentality,” it prevents you from successfully connecting the way that you would like.

What To Do?

What’s the best way to make nice with the porcupines in your life?

First, making sure you aren’t being a porcupine yourself!

Second, practicing habits that make responding in healthy, less porcupine ways easier including…

1. Connecting With the Father Daily

You become like those you spend time with, so who you spend time with matters. When I spend time alone with God, He reminds me that I’m deeply loved.

He shares needed words of wisdom that guide me in the good times and the ugly times.

Being reminded that He is with me, for me, and all sufficient gives me tremendous confidence.

He reveals the ways I need to grow or change and thankfully He doesn’t stop there! He helps me change!

What a good, good Father He is!

2. Reading His Word Daily

Too often the Bible is viewed as a long list of rules rather than a peak into God’s heart – His love letter to me.

No matter how many times I’ve read the Bible, there’s always something new to discover about God, a new principle to grasp, or a deeper revelation.

I need to be in the Word daily because I forget that His love for me is unconditional and His faithfulness is never-ending. I need that reminder!

3. Meditating on the Right Things

Meditating is scriptural – not just something associated with Eastern religions. When you ruminate on hurts, what so and so did, etc. you are meditating, but not on anything beneficial.

However, when you choose to dwell on scripture, who God is, who you are in Christ, and His promises, it’s life giving. God is so forgiving, merciful, gracious, patient, loving, faithful, powerful, and much more!

4. Taking Responsibility

Nobody makes you do anything! You choose to react or respond the way you do.

Lurking behind your choices or reactions are beliefs and thoughts. What are your choices revealing about how you see yourself? Do they reflect that you are a child of the King? What steps do you need to take to shift your thinking, choices, and reactions?

5. Being Clear About Fear

In those porcupine encounters, how is your Fear Monster getting activated? Who did God create you to be? What does it look like to lean into who God created you to be? How might you be contributing to keeping your Fear Monster alive and well?

When your Fear Monster is at work, it’s tough to operate in rational ways!

The day I encountered the porcupine dad at the grocery store, I was wrestling with some frustrations that had me feeling low and less than. No doubt those feelings intensified the strange words of a stranger!

Imagine how that scene might have played out if I’d skipped starting my time with God or ignored the other helpful practices I’ve shared with you that day!

How you respond when you encounter “porcupines” is very telling about how you see yourself. That’s tough to swallow!

There will always be prickly people! How do you deal with the porcupines in your life?

What would help you to handle them with greater care?