For Greater Peace in Conflict, Do This

Peace – who doesn’t want more of that in their life? Just the idea of calm, stillness, and tranquility is incredibly appealing, right?

Yet as I observe the world around me, the vibe is anything but peaceful. The headlines are full of stories about conflict, shootings, wars, and more. There’s so much turmoil in the world!

Sadly, that same turmoil shows up in our personal lives too!

Peace is the absence of conflict.

In the past I’ve described the role your personality plays in conflicts. Your personality is surprisingly predictable, but did you know there is another powerful factor in your conflicts? One that is just as predictable? Fear.

Fear Is Like A Tornado

My kids and I did numerous science experiments while homeschooling and made some interesting discoveries despite science not being my forte.

One of those experiments entailed creating a “tornado” using two empty soda bottles. It was a big hit!

Perhaps you’ve created a tornado yourself. If not, here’s a quick video to bring you up to speed.

This experiment was especially meaningful after our family witnessed a tornado skipping across the road right in front of us while vacationing in Florida. While the soda bottle tornado in no way replicated the power and danger involved in our personal experience, it did mimic the motion.

Tornadoes are created when the atmosphere is right; when warm, moist air collides with cold, dry air.

The result: an unstable atmosphere that’s able to powerfully suck into its vortex anything in its path.

When fear is in the mix, conflict behaves much like a tornado! When your Fear Monster gets triggered, it naturally arouses and triggers the Fear Monster in others. And when two Fear Monsters get spinning, it creates a powerful vortex that has the potential to do some serious damage.

Here’s How It Works:

When fear is in the driver’s seat of your life, you will naturally interpret circumstances and encounters with others in ways that confirms the worst: that your Fear Monster is telling you the truth.

No one is exempt from fear, but you it is possible to manage it better.

Your Fear Monster might go by a different name than my Fear Monster, but you have one! You might refer to it as your core fear, or just a familiar yucky reoccurring feeling you have.

My Fear Monster is “You don’t matter.” Yours might be “you are incompetent,” You are selfish,” “you are not enough,” or “you are weak,” or one of the many other possibilities.

Your Fear Monster’s job is leave you feeling rejected and/or brimming with shame.

Did you know that when fear is in charge, you have a way of attracting events that confirm your worst fear? Sadly, fear also causes you to behave in unbecoming ways. Those “ways” trigger fear in those around you leading to conflict. It’s a vicious cycle.

Once you are more aware of the role your Fear Monster is playing, and know how to respond differently, the power of those crazy conflict moments diminishes before they do irreparable damage.

Even with great awareness, your Fear Monster is sneaky and shows up in unexpected ways.  In hindsight these moments seem silly, but, in the heat of the moment, they feel anything but silly!

A Real-Life Example

Here’s a quick peak into a silly episode where the crazy vortex took place in my own life:

While on vacation, my husband discovered a terrific deal on a new laptop for me. Excited about the possibility, he enthusiastically shared all the many features of the laptop with me while I was getting ready for a delightful dinner out. Focused on getting ready, I was not thinking about laptops. You could say that a new laptop was the last thing on my mind.

Not really understanding the need for a new laptop, the whole conversation was a distraction. I was much more interested in the special evening ahead.

This unexpected laptop conversation stirred up my fear of not mattering. After all, if I really mattered, he too would be focused on the lovely evening ahead, right?

My underwhelming excitement stirred up his fear of being incompetent. From his perspective, I should have been overjoyed with his amazing discovery that he had painstakingly searched for. The fact that I wasn’t as excited as he was about the idea of a new laptop sent a powerful message to him that he had blown it; that he was, well, incompetent.

Voila! The vortex was in motion!

Thankfully, we were able to regroup and recognize the role our own Fear Monsters were playing. Neither one of us were intentionally trying to harm the other. And being able to quickly arrive at that conclusion – that’s a powerful first step in putting an end to such conflicts.

Just for the record – we had a lovely dinner!

The Remedy

When you know that you are deeply loved by God, warts and all, you are then able to lean into who He created you to be in ways that bring hope and healing to the conflicts you encounter.

It’s not a quick fix, but it is a powerful remedy! It just takes practice shifting your focus. Rather than seeing your situation through the eyes of your Fear Monster, start viewing them through the eyes of who God created you to be.

Your Turn

Think about your last “vortex” moment. What role did fear play in that conflict? Sometimes it takes a bit of digging, but fear is probably at work.

Fear is Incredibly Predictable!

Here’s what is consistently true when fear is involved. Fear is…

1. Self-Focused

It’s all about me so I will blame, criticize, and lashing out at you in a “get you before you get me” kind of way.

2. Is Keeping You From Getting What You Want Most

Fear makes sure you are left wanting! It denies your wants, needs, and desires!

On the flip side…if you lean into who God created you to be, the natural fruit of that is what you desire most!

3. A Masterful Distorter!

Fear leads you to believe that your worst fear is true even in the most innocent of situations. Remember our vacation clash?

4. All About Conforming, Comparing, and Complaining

Yep! Fear wants you to be what you aren’t, be like everyone else, and be perpetually dissatisfied. It’s the enemy of authenticity.

5. A Dream Stealer

Fear tells you lies and fools you into thinking your dream isn’t possible.

6. Screams “You Can’t”

It makes you feel inept, not enough, and like a failure.

7. A Confidence Stealer

Fear keeps you on shaky ground, feeling like an impostor, and tangled in disheartening conflict.

8. About Protecting Yourself

To be truly authentic requires vulnerability. It’s nearly impossible to simultaneously protect yourself and be authentic!

9. Contagious

Branch out – mingle with the brave and fearless because fear is wildly contagious!

10. Ambitious

Fear gets bigger and bigger while making your life smaller and smaller.

11. A Vortex

It keeps you spinning in conflict with key people in your life and in patterns that keep you from operating in your full potential.

12. Preventing You From Being Who God Created You to BE!

God has so much more for you; so much more for your relationships – not just personally, but professionally too.

Fear causes you to try getting what you want or need in the worst possible ways. But when you lean into who God created you to be, it allows you to confidently ask for what you want or need. You know you are loved unconditionally by the One who matters most.

Looking back, conflict seems utterly ridiculous like our little vacation episode. In the moment, however, it feels quite monumental!

I know folks who have kept conflicts alive and well for 15 years or longer, never realizing how the ongoing battle is a sign that fear has the upper hand. Makes me wonder what fears were underlying the Hatfield and McCoy’s ongoing disagreement!

Until you grasp the unconditional love God has for you, fear lingers. His love fills you up and makes it possible to walk in who He created you to BE.

Then when conflict arises, and it will, you approach it differently because you are able to recognize fear, know how to connect to His love, identify what you need, and lean into the person He created you to BE.

Wouldn’t it be amazing to transform your crazy conflicts into moments of deeper connection and peace! When you focus on and operate in who God created you to BE, greater peace is within reach!

What role has fear been playing in your conflicts?