Simple Ways to Increase Your EQ

In recent years there’s been a lot of buzz around EQ. While concepts like Emotional Intelligence have a way of coming into style and going, there’s no denying that your emotions play a prevailing role in all that you do.

Oh, you can stuff, ignore, avoid, distort, or even deny your emotions, yet they are still at work and having an effect whether you are tuned into them or not.

Just because you have a high IQ, doesn’t necessarily translate into having high EQ (Emotional Intelligence).

Why does that matter?

Those with high Emotional Intelligence are significantly more likely to outperform those with low Emotional Intelligence even if they have a high IQ. Leaders with high EQ have greater engagement and enjoy more trust with the people on their teams which all adds up to a superior performing team.

Recently, I did a survey on LinkedIn asking this question: What was the #1 challenge they observed in leaders?

The results showed that, by far, the greatest challenge was Emotional Intelligence – having empathy, and being  focused on relationships.

What Exactly is Emotional Intelligence?

EQ is the ability to connect to your own emotions, accept them, and be conscious of how your feelings are impacting your decisions and actions. Understanding your own emotions is advantageous!

EQ is also about being able to observe how others are feeling, and put your-self in their shoes.

The term Emotional Intelligence has been around since the 1990s when Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer coined the phrase. Daniel Goleman, a science writer for the New York Times specializing in brain and behavior research, argued in his 1995 book, Emotional Intelligence, that it was not cognitive intelligence or natural intelligence (IQ) that determined success in life, but rather Emotional Intelligence (EQ). That book sold 5 million copies in the first five years!

Emotional Intelligence in leadership is comprised of…

1. Self-Awareness

Being able to recognize your own emotions, strengths, weaknesses, values, motivation, and the impact you have on others.

2. Self-Management

Also known as self-regulation, self-control or self-discipline, self-management is the ability to control and adapt, to remain calm under fire and keep your team going in a positive direction. When you are calm it is neutralizing and contagious. Panic is also contagious and exacerbates situations!

3. Empathy

Possessing the ability to put your-self in someone else’s shoes, anticipate how they may respond with compassion, and connect with them – that is empathy. Being able to relate with empathy builds trust and deepens relationships – a skill that truly benefits a leader.

4. Relationship Management

Nurturing healthy relationships is critical as a leader and has an enormous effect on the culture of your organization and/or team.

5. Effective Communication

According to Albert Mehrabian , words make up a mere 7% of communication! The other 93% is your tone (38%) and body language (55%).

You might disagree with those percentages, but you can’t argue that tone and body language play a significant role in communication. Most relationship challenges are rooted in ineffective communication that unfortunately leads to conflict, frustration, bitterness, and confusion.

What’s the big deal?

EQ dramatically affects your organizations productivity, performance, the physical health of your people, the relationships, and the culture. Want to improve your bottom line – up your EQ and the EQ of your people.

You might be wondering how savvy you are when it comes to Emotional Intelligence. Here are some signs that you might be lacking EQ:

• Having Relational issues
• Being argumentative
• Lacking listening skills
• Blaming others
• Lacking of empathy
• Having emotional outbursts
• Being unaware of your emotional triggers
• Getting offended easily
• Difficulty coping with the emotions of others
• Masking emotions – authenticity is a challenge
• Getting easily stressed
• Difficulty asserting yourself
• Lacking emotional vocabulary
• Being quick to make assumptions and defending them vigorously
• Holding grudges
• Hanging onto mistakes

If you’d like to increase your Emotional Intelligence, here are some simple ways to do that:

1. Names – Use Them!

As someone with an unusual and challenging name, it means the world to me when someone actually remembers it! Names are a part of a person’s identity. Addressing someone by name when speaking to them is something they will appreciate.

2. Ask Questions

The best way to determine how others feel is to ask them! And the best questions are open-ended questions – questions that can’t be answered with yes or no. There are a few exceptions, but, overall steer clear of questions that begin with “why” as they have a tendency to put people on the defensive.

3. Listen!!!

There’s nothing worse than being asked a question and then not being listened to when you attempt to respond. Resist the urge to get distracted by what you will say next or interrupt. You’d be surprised what you learn if you take the time to listen.

4. Pause

Yes, breathe and give some thought to how you want to respond. Don’t be too quick to jump to conclusions, judge, or make assumptions.

5. Take Your Thoughts Captive

Take control of your thoughts. Choose what you will dwell on. 2 Corinthians 10:5b says, “…we take every thought captive and make it obey Christ.”

6. Go On A “Good” Hunt

Search for the good in others. Challenge yourself to find reasons to like someone rather than reasons to dislike them. Expect the best of others – they are more likely to deliver what you expect.

7. Learn From Others

You don’t have to have all the answers. Learning from others conveys that you are open to learning from others. It’s a happy thing when you feel like you’ve been able to make a positive contribution, not to mention it has a way of being bonding!

8. Smile!

Smiles are contagious and convey so much! Remember, people will mirror you, so smile!

9. Initiate

Be the first to take a risk and reveal something about yourself. You don’t have to reveal your deepest secrets, but try venturing beyond the superficial. Chances are they will reciprocate and the relationship will be strengthened.

10. Go Platinum

Not the golden rule, but the platinum rule: Treat people the way they want to be treated. It shows that you’ve been listening, paying attention, and that you value them.

11. Celebrate Others!

Quit trying to one up others and instead celebrate their successes. When you acknowledge and cheer others on, it actually makes them feel better about you. If you operate with the funky belief that celebrating others somehow detracts from you, then I dare you to experiment and see what happens when you celebrate others!

12. Be More Positive

Refrain from sarcasm, destructive criticism, joking, and judging – they don’t help you connect!

13. Slow Down!

It’s hard to be approachable, be relatable, or connect with you when you are always rushing.

However, when you slow down, pay attention, and observe those around you the chances of connecting are greater.

Now you might be thinking, “I don’t have time to connect,” but the real question is: “what is your lack of connection costing you?”

I bet slowing down will actually save you some time – perhaps a few headaches too!

14. Check-In

Take the time to reflect and consider… what am I feeling? When have I felt this way before?

Journaling is an excellent way to not only explore your feelings, but to begin to put words to your feelings. Notice how your feelings influence your thoughts, beliefs, actions, and more.

Struggle to connect to your feelings? Ask someone you trust to share what emotions they’ve observed in you.

15. Listen To Your Body!

Your body never lies when it comes to your emotions. That knot in your stomach, flutters in your heart, stiff neck, and sweaty palms are attempting to communicate something vital to you.

16. Apologize

Be willing to take ownership and admit when you’re wrong. Apologize for hurting others. Forgive and forget! Un-forgiveness frequently results in health issues and you don’t want that!

17. Practice Empathy

Take the time to understand what others are facing and extend compassion. To be heard and understood is all too rare! When you are empathetic you will stand out in a very positive way.

18. Beware!

Your motivation for becoming Emotionally Intelligent matters. Is your goal is to genuinely connect or to manipulate or attempt to control others? If the latter, it will backfire!

Most people want to enjoy more meaningful relationships and excel in the work they do. Increasing your EQ is the secret to successfully doing both!

What are your thoughts on Emotional Intelligence? How has it benefited you? Where have you seen it lacking

Originally posted on 4/9/2019, this post has been updated and revised just for you!