Yes, Tell Your Communication Issues Good Bye

Communication is an area many struggle! You would think that since you talk every day, you would be better at it, but it is more complicated than you would think to share your thoughts and feelings clearly and accurately grasp what others are attempting to convey.

Sometimes communicating might feel down right impossible…even when you are speaking the same language. Don’t give up – the health of your relationships and your professional success hinge on your communication skills.

Communication Education

Isn’t it odd that something as critical as communication isn’t taught in school? Much of what you learned around communication you picked up from your family growing up. I say “picked up” because more of what you learned was caught rather than taught. Depending on how skilled your parents were, what you learned about communicating may or may not be helping you!

If the atmosphere in your family was one where you were able to express your thoughts and feelings on topics that mattered to you without fear of being criticized or dismissed – that’s a real plus! However, that’s not the only factor that plays a role. Seemingly small habits like positive conversations around the dinner table, intentional screen-free connection times, and even bed-time check-ins lead to better communication skills.

A few other positive factors that may have contributed to effective communication skills growing up:

• Respectful interactions
• Constructively resolving conflict
• Dealing with anger in healthy ways
• Feeling heard, understood, and accepted
• Affirmation – a ratio of five positive to one negative
• Self-control – yelling, rude or derogatory comments, hurtful sarcasm, and harshness were not displayed

You may look at that list and be thinking that was NOT my experience! You are not alone!

There is no need to point the finger at your parents for shortchanging you in the communication department. Odds are they simply modeled for you what they experienced themselves, but you get to choose whether or not you carry on the poor communication legacy!

Your Communication Legacy

Leaving a legacy of healthier communication is beneficial because in relationships how you communicate…

• Builds or breaks trust
• Resolves conflicts or makes them worse
• Fosters closeness/intimacy or distance/disconnection
• Determines the health of your relationships

Improving your communication skills won’t just serve you at home or in your relationships. Great communication skills make a huge difference in your professional life too because communicating well…

• Enables you to come across clear and confident
• Sets you apart from less skilled communicators
• Enhances your ability to collaborate and work with others
• Cultivates trust
• Decreases the misunderstandings and conflict you create

I’m guessing you recognize the value of improving your communication skills. In fact, you may be quite motivated grow in this area.

Communication Troubles

But here’s where you might run into trouble. Muddled in with your words are assumptions, fears, expectations, and more!

Before you utter a single word, communication is already influenced by so much because communication is much more than words! Both the sharing of information and the receiving of it is colored by your…

• Personality
• Stress
• Emotions
• Experiences
• Thinking and/or beliefs

Have you ever considered the role your thinking and beliefs are playing in your communication? Here are a few ways your thinking might be creating issues for you in the communication department:

1. Your Fear Monster

Your Fear Monster is a HUGE contributor to your communication issues! If this is a new concept for you, you can learn more about your Fear Monster here.

My Fear Monster is “I don’t matter,” which causes me to hear what others are saying to me through that lens. With “I don’t matter” in mind, I might feel hurt and react, feel attacked and respond defensively, or I might get triggered and go into flight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode.

Sadly, none of those responses leave me feeling like I matter! What’s worse is that my response won’t help you either because when I’m acting out of fear, I’m probably going to trigger your Fear Monster.

Your Fear Monster might be “I am not enough” which might cause you to spew all the ways you are enough, tear down the other person to make yourself feel better, or fall into one of the ways of responding that I previously mentioned.

If your Fear Monster is “I am incompetent” you might interpret what people say as criticism or suggesting that you are incompetent. That might not be the intention of the other person, but it won’t stop you from lashing out in anger or defending yourself in a harsh way.

Your worst fear is that your Fear Monster is right. Your efforts to prove your Fear Monster is wrong will backfire on you causing your fear to leak out into your actions AND in your words.

2. Needing to Be Right

There are several reasons for needing to be right, including personality (C), insecurity or low self-esteem/self-worth, identity issues, the discomfort of being wrong, shame, or the need for control. Over time needing to be right becomes a habit.

Unfortunately, in an effort to prove you are right, you may speak in a condescending manner, raise your voice to prove a point, or become argumentative – all of which leave the other person scarred by your words. Even if you are right, you’ve lost!

The secret to overcoming the need to be right is to first recognize that your worth, etc. isn’t tied to whether or not you are right. You are valuable because you were created in God’s image and He sees you as valuable! When you believe this too, there is less of a need to be right.

Next, work on expanding your ability to sit in uncomfortable emotions, as well as letting go!

3. Taking Things Personally

Your brain’s job is to keep you safe. When it feels threatened, you react by blaming, speaking harshly, or responding defensively. And you take what was said personally, which naturally changes the way you communicate.

Keep in mind that more often than not, what people say is much more of a reflection of them, not you!

If you have a pattern of taking what others say personally, it might be time to explore the thinking that is contributing to that. Your own insecurities, self-esteem issues, or fears may be leading you to faulty conclusions.

Rather than taking what others say personally, hear what they are saying, pause, breathe, and notice the meaning you are making of their words.

Next, explore other possibilities that may have nothing to do with you. Are they stressed, frustrated, or is their own funky thinking leaking out on you?

Finally, choose your words carefully, sharing from an “I” perspective rather than from a “you” point of view.

4. Believing Vulnerability is Weakness

If you believe that being vulnerable makes you weak or opens the door to being hurt, it changes the way you communicate. Rather than approaching conversations openly, your communication is protective, which makes you come across as less authentic.

There are other ways that not being vulnerable changes how you speak. Your tone might become more aggressive, cold, or you may dodge questions you don’t want to answer. You may resort to anger or blame, which pushes the other person away and creates issues.

When you are willing to be vulnerable, it allows you to communicate…

• • • From that “I” perspective that is so much more palatable for the other party. For example, “I feel sad when you are working late hours. What I need is to know we will get to connect at a specific time.” Notice you are sharing in “I” statements about what you feel and what you need.
    • In a more genuine and authentic way that people are drawn,
    • Without blame, anger, or hostility.
    • In a way that leads to connection and trust.

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing. It’s having the courage to show up when you can’t control the outcome.”
– Brenè Brown

A caveat – not everyone deserves the same level of vulnerability from you. It’s wise to use discretion around what you share and who you share it with.

5. Tone And Diplomacy Don’t Matter

If your tone is harsh what people hear is the tone over your words. Your tone makes a big difference!

In the same way, sharing something hard with compassion and a caring tone makes hard words easier to receive. While what you share may still hurt, the softer tone conveys that you care!

Don’t be fooled – just because you are a “D” and they are known for being direct, doesn’t give you permission to be carelessly blunt with your words.

A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. Proverbs 15:1 (NLT)

Kind words are like honey— sweet to the soul and healthy for the body. Proverbs 16:24 (NLT)

I’ve shared five ways of thinking that might be hindering you in the communication department. Perhaps you’ve never considered the role your thinking has in how you communicate. Of course, this list is not exhaustive. Pay attention to the way your thinking is shaping your communication! You might be surprised at what you discover!

As you become more aware of your thinking and take steps to improve the way you communicate it won’t be long before you can say good bye to a few of your communication issues!

How is your thinking impacting your communication?