Do You Know Your Fear Monster’s Name?
What makes knowing your Fear Monster’s name important?
It’s important because your Fear Monster is cleverly working behind the scenes in ways that are holding you back personally and professionally.
You’ve probably encountered your Fear Monster hundreds of times. If you reflect back on the moments when you’ve felt a sense of dread or the sudden urge to protect yourself, that was likely your Fear Monster at work. Or perhaps an interaction has left you feeling less than, hurt, or shamed – more of your Fear Monster’s handiwork!
Your Fear Monster Alive & Well
Your Fear Monster is a deep, underlying fear that threatens your worth. It’s the feeling that has lingered with you as far back as you can remember and it comes up again and again.
Here are just a few indicators that your Fear Monster’s is active in your life:
- Interpreting situations or something that was said in a negative way.
- A pattern of crazy conflict that happens over and over again, especially in your most important relationships.
- Feeling stuck and unable to take action.
- Striving, people pleasing, trying to be perfect, or procrastinating.
- Attempting to prove how amazing you are.
- The inability to rest or relax.
- Compromising your boundaries.
- Getting defensive.
It would be nice if you could blame your issues on your Fear Monster, but your Fear Monster is actually your own belief or lens that you see life through. Sadly, that lens distorts your perspective and causes you to interpret your experiences in ways that leave you feeling the very thing you fear the most!
For me, that would be that I don’t matter. My Fear Monster’s name: “I Don’t Matter,” and it’s not shy about causing me trouble.
Your Fear Monster might have a different name, but it stirs up trouble for you too!
Maybe your Fear Monster is running the show most of the time. Or maybe your Fear Monster spends long stretches in hibernation. Either way, when it springs to life, chaos ensues because when your Fear Monster is in charge there are problems!
Here’s how to show your Fear Monster who is boss:
1. Name Your Fear Monster
To tame your Fear Monster, you must know its name.
Take a look at the list below. Which of these statements resonates with you most? If you gravitate towards more than one, narrow it down to just the one you experience most frequently.
That is your Fear Monster’s name!
Now that you know your Fear Monster’s name, you are better equipped to recognize it when it is at work.
If you ignore its presence, your Fear Monster has free reign to mess with your life, relationships, and work.
Your Fear Monster delights in making you feel small, rejected, and full of shame. It is determined to dash your dreams and keep you from reaching your goals.
Beware! It’s actively working to undermine you personally and professionally and keep you from THRIVING! Your Fear Monster is NOT for you!
2. Receive God’s Love
Next, you must receive God’s deep love for you. He doesn’t love you a little bit – His love for you is immense! He is love! There’s absolutely nothing you can do to make God love you more than the He already does.
But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. Romans 5:8 (NLT)
Long ago the LORD said to Israel (His people and He longs for you to be one of His!): “I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself. Jeremiah 31:3 (NLT)
We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. I John 4:16 (NLT)
What would help you embrace God’s love for you? He is the true source of your worth!
3. Lean Into Who God Created YOU to BE
When it comes to combating your Fear Monster, your natural inclination is to prove it wrong. For me, that would be intentionally trying to prove that I matter. Sadly, rather than proving I matter, my efforts reinforce that I don’t matter.
You might do everything in your power to be enough or to be competent only to feel more inadequate.
It’s not uncommon to turn to unhealthy ways of coping with the negative feelings your Fear Monster creates for you. You might resort to isolating, reacting or getting angry, indulging in substances to numb your feelings, eating too much, consuming unhealthy foods, etc. Ultimately these ways of coping leave you feelings the very feeling you were trying so hard to avoid.
Rather than wallowing in fear, trying to disprove your Fear Monster, or resorting to unhealthy ways of coping, I challenge you to take responsibility instead by focusing on who God created you to be. This is what disarms your Fear Monster.
There’s a particular characteristic that God designed you to have that reflects Him and brings Him glory. It’s a trait that you easily spot in others, yet your Fear Monster blinds you from seeing it in yourself. A trait such as being…
Loving is who God created me to be. Yet loving well does not come naturally to this task-driven gal.
My loving well hinges on me receiving God’s love, depending on Him, and loving myself. After all, I can’t give to others what I’m unable to give to myself.
When being loving is my focus, my Fear Monster no longer is in charge, and even better, my deepest desires are met too!
The same is true for you. When your life matches up with the person God created you to be, fear fades and your deep desires are satisfied.
What That Might Look Like
If God created you to be authentic, in order to walk in who God created you to be, you will need to…
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- Receive God’s love for you.
- Depend on God to enable you to show up authentically. You may need God to show you who He designed you to be. Odds are you have been trying to be what you thought others wanted you to be for a good long time!
- Love yourself and give yourself permission to be YOU.
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If God created you to be courageous, you will need to…
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- Receive God’s love for you.
- Depend on God to help you be courageous. Not fearless, but willing to face what feels dangerous or hard. Sometimes the most courageous action is being vulnerable, consistent, or persistent.
- Admit to yourself when you are afraid, uncomfortable, or challenged and courageously love yourself in spite of those feelings!
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Perhaps I haven’t fleshed out here who God created you to be, I encourage you to follow the pattern and flesh that out for yourself.
Your Fear Monster will still occasionally show up, but as you learn to recognize it and practice walking in who God created you to be, it won’t have the same power it once did.
4. Notice When Your Fear Monster Is Stirred
Your Fear Monster stirs in the places in your life that are most important to you – your relationships, work, or whatever you value most.
When your Fear Monster glasses are on, situations and interactions with others will seem to prove your Fear Monster is right – you are incompetent, not enough, or that you don’t matter, etc.
Here’s what you might not know: when your Fear Monster is at work, it triggers the Fear Monsters of those around you. Perhaps you’ve experienced what I call the “vortex” or the repeat argument. It may seem like the topic is different, but if you dig under the surface of the disagreement you will see two Fear Monsters battling!
For example, when my husband does something that makes me feel like I don’t matter, my response makes him feel like he is incompetent. When that happens it is pretty much guaranteed that a never ending battle that has absolutely nothing to do with what were initially talking about is about to happen.
Or perhaps it’s a work frustration that repeatedly comes up. I urge you to peel back the layers and explore how your Fear Monster is instigating the issues.
It’s surprising how often your Fear Monster is the source of the issues you experience in your life and work.
5. Notice Your Response
Your Fear Monster causes you to respond in ways that make your greatest fear a reality. The very thing you were trying to avoid, like not mattering for me, is now what you feel in spades!
In my case, I might shut down, pull away, speak with intensity, or say something hurtful to protect myself. These responses only push the other person further away and ensure that I won’t experience the sense of mattering I desire. It’s self-sabotage.
Perhaps one of the best ways to respond when your Fear Monster is triggered is to respond with vulnerability. In my case, that might mean admitting that I’m hurt. What might it mean for you?
When your Fear Monster is activated, what would it look like for you to respond in a way that honors who God created you to be?
What I’ve shared here takes practice – it’s not a quick fix, but it’s worth all the effort!
What’s your Fear Monster’s name? Who did God create YOU to BE?
Originally posted on 8/2014 and revised on 7/30/19, this post has been updated and revised again just for you!
© Can Stock Photo Inc. / bertoszig
Good one. I needed to read that today.
Happy it was timely!
Two nights ago I had The Dream. The theme is always the same: I’m a student, I can’t find my locker (sometimes I find it, but can’t remember the combo), I’m late for class and don’t remember how to get there, and sometimes, I can’t even remember which class I’m supposed to be at. I can’t find my schedule, or my homework… It is always such a relief to wake up.
I’ve had this dream for years, and I realize it surfaces every time when, in real life, I’m afraid of being shamed. As a young person, it meant hiding my faults and hoping no one uncovered them. At middle-age, it’s more a fear that, in measuring myself against my goals, I’ll come up short.
I am taking to heart your encouragement to seek out the qualities God sees in me rather than attempt to be more of the opposite of what I fear. For me, that means abandoning defending myself (to both myself and to others) which is my natural reaction when I fear shame, and focus instead on simply being faithful, giving my best to the day’s duties and relationships He’s given me.
Thank you for very practical applications!
Wow! Powerful realizations! Thank you for being transparent and willing to share. I know others will be encouraged by your insights.
Thank you for your post, Marvae! Fear is an ugly monster. It’s fitting to call it a monster. I wrote a devotion about it in my book, so I can relate!! God can conquer any monster, and it requires us taking action like you said. Thank you for the steps and the help! Blessings, Katy
So glad you stopped by Katy!
Very appropriate! When I see so much happening in the news around the world it makes me wonder what monster(s) people are dealing with that causes them to commit such atrocities. I believe that the “monster” we deal with may still be inside sort of like an alcoholic or a addict and we have to continually confess what God says about us to keep it calm. The monster that I combat rears it’s ugly head whenever someone says or does something to me unjustly that hurts my feelings. It came to live with me after a very traumatic marriage break up that resulted in my losing every meaningful relationship in my life…family, friends etc. I am a giver and a nurturer and will go out of my way to help others even to the extent of being self sacrificing. Therefore, when someone, especially a loved one, would hurt my feelings I used to immediately fly off the handle(and it was ugly). Now that God’s unfailing love has shown me that it’s not always about me but more so about them, I have become more empathetic, patient and understanding with them which in turn has quieted the monster inside of me..
Carolyn – So delighted to hear that God has been working in your life and growing you to be more empathetic, patient and understanding. That’s a wonderful place to be. It is clear that God has used hard moments for good!
Marvae, you are a master at using stories and word pictures to get your point across. This is great! So helpful!!! First, recognizing the name of our monster – and then the steps to take. Awesome!
Thanks for the kind words JoDitt! I appreciate it! Awareness of your “monster” – that’s the starting point for change!