Wow! This Is Clearly Causing Big Conflict!

Conflict probably isn’t something you look forward to! It’s far more likely that you actively try to avoid conflict. When conflict does arise, you may even slip into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode.

Handling conflict in your relationships takes skill, and all too often that skill is lacking. The majority of people haven’t been taught how to navigate conflict well. In addition to skill, it requires practice to manage your emotions and respond in constructive and healthy ways.

As much as you may want to side step conflict, it is everywhere! You may encounter conflict in the process of everyday life as you shop, go out to eat, or even on the road. It shouldn’t surprise you to run into conflict in the workplace, and when you do it has an adverse effect on productivity and morale. When conflict shows up in your home with the ones you love the most, it is deeply painful.

The bulk of the painful, hard frustrations in life are relational clashes with other people!

Conflict is complex and has many contributing factors, but there are two that are quite common: personality and your unresolved baggage.

Let’s Explore The Personality Piece

Add a little pressure like a deadline, quota, a highly visible project, or something outside your comfort zone – and the chances of encountering conflict rises. Without healthy conflict resolution skills, small conflicts add up to big hurts. Before you know it, you’re discouraged, distrustful, and potentially resentful. It’s draining!

Under pressure, your personality shifts in unexpected ways that just might be stirring up conflict with others! Are you aware of how your personality reacts to pressure; your “hot buttons”?

Imagine how beneficial it would be to know what your “hot buttons” are and how they might trigger others! What if you also understood what the “hot buttons” were for people who have a personality unlike you owns? And even more importantly, what’s the secret to turning those undesirable conflicts around?

Here’s some invaluable information to keep in mind:

Did you recognize yourself in a few of my friends? Because God creates each and every person to be a one-of-a-kind individual, no one falls neatly into a single category like D, I, S, or C. The odds are great that you are a combination of D, I, S, or C with one being more dominant, and another being secondary.

You may also have already spotted some potential fiction points between the different personalities.

They say opposites attract, and it’s true. Interestingly enough, most married couples are opposites, and there’s a good reason for that. You naturally desire in others what doesn’t come naturally to you. Here’s what else is interesting: most married couples will encompass all four personality types resulting in a “whole” personality.

Someone with a personality or behavioral style that is opposite of yours can be an amazing compliment to you. However, there is also the chance that you will clash too!

Opposites prove to be quite beneficial to each other when trust is alive and well, and quite detrimental to each other when it’s missing. That’s true for your personal relationships as well as your professional ones.

What role is your personality playing in your conflicts?

Baggage – The Other Big Piece in Conflict

Let’s face it, you have baggage – we all do! Maybe you’ve unpacked all your baggage. If that’s the case I say kudos to you!

Even if you’ve been proactively unpacking your baggage, there may still be some loads you’ve not realized you were lugging around! There’s a really good chance that those mysterious loads you are lugging around are playing a role in your conflicts!

Interacting with others is messy!

Consider these three bits of baggage in a relationship:

What throws fuel on the fire in conflict?

Yes, humans are very complicated! Your personality plays a part, and so does your baggage. A few other factors I will mention that also contribute to conflict:

• Unmet needs – If you want to grow in this area, begin tuning in and paying attention to what you need. It’s hard to ask for what you want with clarity when you lack self-awareness. Begin practicing healthy self-care.
• Trust and/or respect issues – when these two things are missing, conflict quickly escalates!
• Boundary Issues – People with poor boundaries rarely honor the boundaries of others which is sure to lead to conflict.
• Being in protective mode – It’s hard to have compassion for others when you are focused on your on safety. It’s also much more challenging to be vulnerable or hear what the other person is communicating without taking it personally or reading the wrong thing into their words.
• Fear – Yes! Your Fear Monster and a host of other fears all get tapped into resulting in conflict.

If you want to encounter conflict less, I encourage you to take steps to understand your personality, understand the personalities of the people around you, and unpack your baggage.

Remember, the only person you can control is you. Your personality is never an excuse for bad behavior and neither is your baggage.

As you manage yourself more effectively and handle conflict more skillfully, it encourages those around you to make changes as well.

Conflict happens, but you don’t have to let it derail you!

What’s been most challenging to you when it comes to the conflict in your life? What’s one next step that would help to turn that around?

Need help in the area of conflict? Let’s chat!

Image: Vitaly Gariev/ Unsplash