Wow! You Really Do Have Victim Mentality!

Victim Mentality – where in your life do you find yourself slipping into it? It’s not an all-or-nothing proposition. While you may not play the victim in many areas of your life, you may be prone to having a victim mentality in your relationships, or career, or when it comes to your self-care.

Or perhaps it something you drift into depending on the circumstances.

My hope is that venturing into a victim mentality only happens for in rare moments for you because there are some definite consequences to doing life from that perspective.

A Real Example

When I think of someone who might have been justified in taking on a victim mentality given his crazy circumstances, Joseph comes to mind. Think about it…

• His father favored him and as a result his brothers taunted and hated him.
• At his father’s request, Joseph dutifully checked on his brothers in the fields, and when he found them, they put him in a pit and sold him as a slave!
• Joseph skillfully managed Potiphar’s house only to be falsely accused of being inappropriate with his master’s wife and was thrown in jail.
• While imprisoned, he interpreted dreams for the king’s cupbearer and baker only to be forgotten for two years!

There’s no denying that Joseph faced some very unfortunate circumstances and that people definitely didn’t treat him fairly. Yet imagine what his life might have looked like if he’d had a victim mentality…

Because of the way his brothers treated him, Joseph wallowed in self-pity and complained bitterly.

Grumbling, Joseph set out to check on his brothers at his father’s urging. Why was he always the one sent? He didn’t care what happened to them, so he took his time, drug his feet, and felt sorry for himself every step of the way!

Of course, his brothers would leave him in a pit. Nothing good ever happened to him! Sold as a slave – more bad stuff!

You get the idea! Joseph’s story would have had a very different ending if he’d had a victim mentality. In fact, he probably would have kept on blaming his brothers and refused to  forgive them IF he ever had the chance to see them again!

Just like Joseph’s story would have been a very different one if he’d allowed victim mentality to settle in, victim mentality may also be changing your story and not for the better!

What Is Victim Mentality?

Victim Mentality is a way of thinking that is birthed out of your beliefs. You may not even be aware of the beliefs that are contributing to your victim mentality, but they are lurking under the surface.

These beliefs cause you to act like you have no control – no ability to change your circumstances.

What Leads to Victim Mentality?

Joseph had some very good reasons for taking on a victim mentality, and just like me and you, but he didn’t!

Victim mentality arises as a way to protect yourself from trauma, pain, or distressing experiences – a way of coping. What served you in childhood actually works against you as an adult. Instead of dutifully protecting you, a victim mentality sabotages you again and again! Over time, rather than proactively handling the challenges that come your way you are passive, you blame others, and play the victim.

After a while, not being in control becomes comfortable. When you aren’t in the driver’s seat nothing is your fault – or so you think!

Another reason for adopting a victim mentality is that it’s a covert way of manipulating others. For some, the attention and illusion of control victimhood provides is appealing because of the validation and sympathy others offer is enjoyable. When others make an effort to help them, they feel a sense of importance.

Sometimes victim mentality serves as a form of avoidance – a way of shirking responsibility for their lives, bypassing the fear of failure AND success, and more. The truth is that pursuing dreams requires a degree of vulnerability, resilience, self-confidence, and willingness to grow – all of which is avoided when you play the victim card!

The problem is that victims are not happy! They often feel very hurt, take things personally that aren’t personal, and they frequently experience feelings of frustration, anger, resentment, isolation, and loneliness. Their perception is that the entire world and everyone in their life, is against them.

Be honest, how many items on this list apply to you? Be brave and allow someone close to you also select the items on the list that they think apply to you. Then compare what you’ve both come up with.

Now, For The Good News!

You weren’t born with a victim mindset! It’s a way of thinking that you’ve learned – a learned helplessness. While there are good reasons for having a victim mentality, there are even better reasons for choosing to leave a victim mentality behind.

The opposite of victim mentality is accountability – stepping up and proactively taking responsibility for your life no matter what circumstances or situations you find yourself in. Here are some steps in that direction:

1. Admit Where In Your Life A Victim Mentality Is At Work

This is a big first step, but as Dr. Phil has frequently said, “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge!”

Once you realize that you’ve been playing the victim, then you are able to make better and more proactive choices.

2. Choose New Beliefs!

What you believe about God, yourself, others, and your circumstances are all at the root of your victim mindset. In order to choose new beliefs, you must first become crystal clear on what your current beliefs are. I encourage you to journal: get raw and honest with yourself.

Then it’s time to deliberately choose new beliefs that are anchored in truth and encourage you to operate in a more proactive fashion. I’ve got some great suggestions on transforming your thinking here and here.

3. Pinpoint the Perks

What you’ve been doing has worked and up to this point. For you, there have been some powerful perks to having a victim mentality. Maybe it’s provided attention and validation. Or a reason for not taking risks or trying hard things. Perhaps the perk for you has been not carrying the burden of responsibility for your life. Has a victim mentality been a way of avoiding the feelings of shame, fear, sadness or facing the anger you feel? Has a victim mentality been your excuse for not forgiving, holding onto resentment, or feelings of bitterness?

No matter what perks you’ve enjoyed there are even better perks when you leave your victim mentality behind!

4. Practice Setting & Maintaining Boundaries

While I trust that God is the Lord of your life, you are still the one who is responsible for managing it day to day. One of the best ways for you to take charge of your life is to set healthy boundaries!

5. Take Responsibility for Your Life

It’s your job to make the most of your brilliant life – no one else’s. There are many who have encountered the very worst in life like Joseph did and yet were still able to thrive. People, who despite their unfortunate circumstances, still trusted God and choose to keep marching forward. In addition to Joseph, a few other people who come to mind are Corrie Ten Boom, Nick Vujicic, and Joni Eareckson Tada.

Those are three extreme examples, but you’ve most likely faced great hardships and pain in your life too. How might God want to use those experiences to help you grow and to bring Him glory?

6. Forgive!

Who have you been blaming for all that’s gone wrong in your life? It’s time to let them off the hook so that you are free!

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” – Catherine Ponder

7. Zero In On What You Really Want

Do you know what you really value? What you really want in life?

How will you align your life around your values and walk more fully in who God created you to be so that the desires of your heart are met?

What dreams do you have? Goals you want reach? It’s time to proactively take action!

8. Practice Gratitude

Rather than focus on all that’s gone wrong and all the ways you’ve been hurt it’s time to shift your focus to all of your blessings and what you have to be grateful for. Maybe you’d like to take this Gratitude Challenge to help you get started!

9. Get Help!

Folks with a victim mentality commonly find it challenging to seek out help, but if you want the process to go smoother and quicker, I encourage you to enlist the help of a qualified counselor, therapist, or coach who is able to support you through the process.

To be sure, there are true victims and I don’t want to minimize that fact. However, it rains on the just and the unjust! A victim mentality is NOT a Biblical response to unjust suffering. In fact, victims often resist the healing power of the Father.

Where is victim mentality showing up for you and what steps are you willing to take to leave it behind?