Vibrant Thinking in Delightful Shades of Gray!

Are you prone to a black-and-white perspective or have you discovered the beauty of thinking in vibrant shades of gray?

Imagine a parent offering their child an endless array of options or taking the time to explore all possible options. Not only would that be a time-consuming proposition, it would be an overwhelming one too!

When dealing with young children, binary choices go a long way towards simplifying the options while giving them a sense of autonomy and provides them the opportunity to practice decision making.

The method of offering two choices was one I utilized with my own children. Did they want to wear this outfit or that one? Did they want to eat inside or in the screened in porch? Did they want to share the cars or did they prefer to go to bed?

Fast forward in life, and now my kids are offering similar choices to their own children. Most of the time, the choosing goes quite smoothly although, every now and then neither choice is acceptable and tears ensue.

By the time children are in elementary school, they are capable of choosing between three or four options. Once they reach middle school, learning to explore a variety of options and make a wise choice is a valuable experience and great preparation for adult life.

A Pattern of Thinking

It makes sense to offer toddlers or preschoolers binary choices, but when you are an adult and operating with binary thinking it actually puts you at a disadvantage!

Binary thinking is also known as black and white thinking or dichotomous thinking. No matter what you call that kind of thinking, it boils down to these kinds of extremes:

• True or false
• Right or wrong
• Yes or no
• Good or bad
• Success or failure
• Smart or stupid
• Perfect or flawed/imperfect
• Abundance or scarcity
• Always or never
• For or against

What’s The Cause?

There are a variety of factors that contribute to black-and-white thinking. At the top of the list are…

• Anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions

Thinking in black-and-white terms simplifies situations when feeling anxious or depressed.

• Trauma

Binary or dichotomous thinking is a way of coping or protecting oneself.

• A high need for control

Categorizing things in extremes such as right and wrong provides a sense of control.

• Perfectionism

The “C” personality is particularly prone to attempting to be perfect, but one may seek perfection for others reasons such as seeking approval or worthiness. When only perfect counts and nothing else, it is a recipe for perpetual failure!

• Intolerance for uncertainty

Black-and-white thinking is a way of simplifying the situations so that they feels more tolerable.

In the moment, thinking in an all-or-nothing way feels safe, orderly, and sure, but it’s an illusion. There are some very negative consequences of all-or-nothing thinking. It hurts your relationships, keeps you blind to the possibilities, and hinders your ability to creatively problem solve. Such thinking often leads to negative emotions which takes a toll on your self-esteem.

Because you are human, black-and-white thinking shows up in the workplace too, and that’s rarely positive!

Despite the polarization that’s prevalent in today’s society where you are either for or against something, most people don’t actually side 100% on either side. That’s why being able to see and appreciate the array of grays between black and white is so valuable.

Examples

Here are some life examples of black-and-white thinking you may relate to:

• If I make a mistake, then I’m total disaster.
• I’m either loved or hated.
• I never do anything right (perfectly, successfully, etc.)
• If I can’t do it perfectly, I won’t do it at all.
• You are either with me or against me.
• If they were a good friend, they would always be there for me – no exceptions!
• If there is conflict, the relationship is doomed.
• One unhealthy meal and my diet is utterly ruined.
• Because I missed one workout, I may as well quit!
• If I don’t get the promotion (job, raise, etc.), my career is over.
• Either I’m the very best at my job, or I’m worthless.
• My boss gave me negative feedback, so they must hate my work.
• If my political candidate doesn’t win, everything will be hopeless (fall apart, be an utter disaster, etc.)
• There’s only one right way to solve this problem.
• I took a risk and it didn’t work, so I won’t ever take a risk again.
• Great friends (employees, children, etc.) never make mistakes.
• If someone under-performs once, you can’t ever trust or rely on them again.
• Either you are a leader or a follower.
• If you don’t oversee every detail, things will fall apart.
• Either I do it myself, or it won’t get done right.
• You are either loyal or a problem.
• Criticism means I’m a poor (failing, incapable, etc.) leader.
• If I let on that I don’t know something, I won’t be respected.

How do you turn that kind of limiting thinking around?

1. Watch Your Words

Your words are powerful! Make an effort to articulate what you mean more accurately. Wisely use words like all, always, never, nothing, ever, everything, and should. When these words are in the mix, some black-and-white thinking is probably going on!

More optimal words: better, worse, some, sometimes, often, and frequently.

2. Hunt For the Positive

The negative inexplicably captures your attention causing you to see the one negative aspect of a situation rather than the seven positive ones. Challenge yourself to notice the good. People and situations are rarely all good or all bad. Make it a habit to intentionally focus on the positive by practicing gratitude daily.

3. Search For More Options

Train yourself to explore the delightful shades of gray! What are other possible explanations for someone’s response? What are other innovative solutions? What additional possibilities are there? There are generally many more options that you think there are!

4. Question Your Assumptions

Noticing your assumptions requires a healthy level of self-awareness! It takes skill to challenge your assumptions in productive ways. Often assumptions are so deeply in grained you don’t even realize that they are there!

That’s why it’s helpful to ask God to reveal your assumptions. You might also consider working with a coach who is able to shed light on the assumptions you are making. Only when you acknowledge your assumptions, are able to challenge and change them.

5. Practice Empathy

Black-and-white thinking tends to think the worst of others. Practicing empathy allows you to cut people some slack. You never know what others are facing and what might be influencing their behavior. Their actions most likely have nothing to do with you. Be gentle, both to yourself and to others.

6. Face Your Fears

Fear distorts situations and colors your thinking making you more vulnerable to black-and-white thinking.

7. Mix It Up

One of the marks of all-or-nothing thinking: being rigid. Encourage yourself to break out of your norm now and then and mix up your routine and how you go about tasks. That helps you be more receptive to new perspectives and ways of doing things on other more important matters when they unfold.

Eliminating all-or-nothing thinking is a process, and well worth the effort. Life is messy! It’s full of ups, downs, twists, turns, mistakes, and baby steps forward! Remember, every tiny step forward counts!

Rather than hanging on to black-and-white thinking, venture out; explore the endless shades of gray! You’ll soon discover just how vibrant all the shades of gray actually are!

How is black-and-white thinking showing up for you?

Originally posted on 7/10/2018, this post has been updated and revised just for you!