5 Fresh Ways To Resolve Conflict
Conflict is what makes a story engaging!
I’m currently in the middle of a novel that I almost gave up on, which is something I rarely do. It started out slow as the author laid the groundwork. Then abruptly the story took a wild turn. Following that unexpected event, not only has the pace of the book picked up significantly, so has the suspense! In fact, getting back to that book is powerful motivation to get this blog done!
The Conflict!
Conflict is the heartbeat of the story. Without the twists and turns of conflict, a story simply isn’t compelling.
The obstacle, tension, friction, or something to be overcome is what grabs your attention and urges you to keep on reading or watching to see how the story ends.
That’s why the best books, TV shows, or movies all revolve around conflict.
Real Life Conflict
In real life, however, most people aren’t nearly as excited about conflict!
Many go out of their way to avoid conflict only to discover that avoiding conflict never makes it go away.
In the midst of conflict, you may struggle to approach the situation in a healthy and productive way. Conflict has a way of overwhelming you with emotions and fears that throw you off kilter. In addition, you may find that disagreements evoke fight, flight, or freeze. As a result you may get wound up, angry, and escalate the conflict. Run away from conflict. Or panic and do nothing.
Wouldn’t it be nice if you could put the world on pause when conflict arises to give you time to sort through your thoughts and feelings and express them articulately?
Rather than slowing down, life often feels like is speeds up when confronted with such a struggle. In spite of the urgency you may feel, it’s possible to slow down the pace, pause, and gather yourself IF you choose to.
Resist the urge to slip into catastrophic thinking.
Focus instead on remaining calm, mindful, and open to other viewpoints while working towards a mutually beneficial solution. That takes practice, but it’s a skill worth developing!
The Right Way To Resolve Differences
There is no “right” way to resolve conflict. It really depends on the situation. For example, if you are buying a car from a stranger, you might be more competitive, yet if you are buying it from a friend, you might be more collaborative.
If you are planning a vacation with your spouse, you might choose to collaborate or, depending on the circumstances, you might lean towards compromising or accommodating.
You might not think that purchasing a car or planning a vacation qualifies as conflict, yet conflicts include situations where there is…
- Differing beliefs, values, desires, or goals
- Opposing perceptions
- Competition for resources
- Interference – one party blocking or stonewalling another
- Boundary violations
- Differing expectations or opinions
- Hurtful or harmful behaviors
- Disputes over power
- Clashes in personality
- Conflicting ways of doing something
How Do You Handle Clashes?
It’s important to be aware of how you show up in conflict. If you take a look at the 5 Conflict Resolution Strategies in the image below where would you plot yourself?
In this context, assertiveness is focusing your own concerns while cooperativeness is focusing on the other person’s concerns.
- AVOIDING –“No Way”
This strategy is best used for minor issues or gathering yourself and/or cooling down.
(Lose-Lose) - ACCOMMODATING – “Your Way”
This approach is ideal for admitting mistakes or maintaining harmony in a relationship.
(Lose-Win) - COLLABORATING – “Our Way”
This tactic is especially helpful when sorting through complex problems that require buy-in. (Win-Win) - COMPETING – “My Way”
This course of action is most effective in crisis where quick and decisive action is required.
(Win-Lose) - COMPROMISING – “Halfway”
This means of working through conflict is best for temporary fixes or hard deadlines.
(Lose-Win)
You can learn more about the Thomas-Kilmann Instrument known as the “TKI Assessment here.
Knowing how you typically deal with conflict is useful, and so is recognizing how others deal with it. I also urge you to also consider the role your personality plays in conflict for you and for the other party. That understanding makes it easier to adjust in strategic ways that prevent conflict from escalating.
5 Fresh Ways to Resolve Conflict
It’s common to get overwhelmed in conflict which is why having a framework to follow or fall back on is not only a lifesaver, but also enables you to manage conflict more gracefully!
Here are five frameworks for you to familiarize yourself with. Which of the five you use will depend on the situation and what feels most comfortable.
1. To The Point
This method is simple and direct – something you may want to initiate a conversation with.
“I feel _______________ when you ____________________ and what I need going forward is_________________.
2. 7 C’s
- Remain CALM
Take a moment to regulate your emotions. - Share your CONCERNS
Relate your perspective and what you see as the main problem without blaming.
- COMMUNICATE
Express your feelings and what you need using “I” statements. Allow the other person to also share and really LISTEN. Offer them the same attentive ear you would want them to give you. Then, ask them questions to clarify so you truly understand their perspective before responding.
- Be CREATIVE
Together, brainstorm possible solutions – including solutions that are a little outside the box! Being forced to think of creative solutions often results in the best solutions!
- CALL A Timeout
When you feel the conversation heating up, call a timeout; take a brief break. Resume after everyone has cooled down and you’ve had a moment to gather yourself and process your thoughts and feelings. It’s OK to say in the middle of a conflict you need a quick timeout to gather your thoughts. The other person is probably ready for a break too!
A little advice…set an agreed upon time frame for resuming the conversation – 10 minutes, 30 minutes, or after dinner.
Remember, calling a timeout is not a means of avoiding conflict. A timeout used for that purpose actually creates more conflict!
- Keep It CONSTRUCTIVE
There’s no point in reviewing the past again and again or letting the state of affairs get hostile. The more you focus on the future and possible solutions, the more likely you are to arrive at a happy solution.
- COMPROMISE
Do what you can from your end to arrive at a workable compromise. If you are willing to be creative, explore the options, and compromise, there’s a solution out there that will be agreeable to the parties involved!
In the heat of the moment, you may not remember the 7 C’s! Why not capture them in the notes app on your phone. They will be handy when you need them. Then, when the time comes you are able to work the C’s one at a time and see what a difference it makes!
3. Facts, Feelings, Future & Form
This is a simple way of resolving conflict based on HBDI Thinking Preferences. How you prefer to think influences the way you navigate conflict. It’s helpful to do what is called a “full brain walk around” which ensures you cover all four of the thinking preferences. That’s important because the others involved in the dispute may not share your thinking preference.
When it comes to conflict, you will want to “walk around the brain” in this order: Facts, Feelings, Future, and Form as shown below.
4. The Communication Wheel
While the Communication Wheel resembles aspects of the above methods, this framework may resonate more with you. Simply follow the steps one through five as shown below.
5. This Is… (influenced by Terry Real)
Perhaps the most painful conflicts are those with the people we love most. Even more than resolution, in those clashes we need repair, and that’s what this framework focuses on!
Walking through this framework requires you to be vulnerable as you share what you remember taking place, the story you are telling yourself (which may or may not be true), how you felt about what happened, and sharing what you need – the thing that will help you feel better.
Sharing what you want or need feels especially vulnerable when you are hurt, yet repair hinges on expressing that in a kind and gentle way. If you don’t, you won’t get what you want or need so it’s worth it!
The Bottom Line
Managing and/or resolving conflict is challenging.
The alternative is going through life with the burden of unresolved issues. Those issues pile up and bog you down! Eventually they interfere with other relationships!
Did you know that un-forgiveness and resentment are a significant factor in many of today’s health problems? Harboring ill feelings towards others never hurts them, it ONLY hurts you.
When unresolved conflict and resentment linger in the work place (or at home) it creates a toxic environment which also inhibits productivity, destroys morale, and undermines relationships.
While there’s no denying conflict makes for a great story – the best work places, organizations, and homes are conflict free – not because there isn’t any conflict, but because it’s quickly worked through in a proactive and constructive way!
What unresolved conflicts do you need to address?
Now I can get back to my book and see how the struggle ends!
Originally posted on 9/17/19, this post has been updated and revised just for you!
© Can Stock Photo / alphaspirit
Thanks for today’s blog it was so helpful because conflict can be anytime in our life but but i get new way that i can avoid them and how i can solve them. i need to list my concerns, to communicate and to count before I have to speak.
Delighted today’s blog was helpful to you Ishema! I appreciate you sharing that with me!