7 Great Ways to Resolve Conflict Better

Conflict – what a wonderful world it would be without it!

Louis Armstrong sang in his unmistakable voice:

“I see trees of green and red roses too,
I see them bloom for me and for you,
and I think to myself what a wonderful world”.

Yet a world free of conflict – now that sounds truly wonderful!

From early on, children engage in conflict. Having grown up with five siblings, there was plenty the conflict in our home! I witnessed the same struggles with my own kids, and now I observe the same phenomenon with my grandchildren.

When you consider how unique each person is; their personality, as well as their differing values, perspectives, and goals, it’s not surprising that conflict abounds!

To make matters worse, you probably didn’t learn healthy and productive ways of navigating conflict growing up. When the unavoidable need to deal with issues arises in the workplace (or in relationships, or anywhere else), you don’t know what to do. You may go silent and hope the issue goes away. Or you might lash out in ways that do more harm than good! Neither are healthy strategies!

What is Conflict?

Conflict is a clash between two or more people/parties resulting from opposing viewpoints, interests, or goals.

Just about the only way to avoid conflict is to isolate yourself. No people. No texting or communicating in an any way. Avoiding conflict sounds wonderful, but it’s hardly realistic and it the lack of connection sounds lonely and dreadful.

You will run into conflict. Perhaps you are enjoying the turmoil that surrounds conflict right now! And since you will continue to bump into conflict, it makes sense to pay attention to your own hot buttons and to work on your skills in that area!

Here are some simple ways to help you resolve conflict more constructively:

1. Don’t Wait!

Conflict doesn’t magically resolve over time. The exact opposite occurs. The problem gets bigger, the resentment deeper, and the pain grows. Not only that, the story you tell yourself about the situation (which most likely is not wholly true) becomes more entrenched in your thinking, intensifying the negative feelings you are experiencing.

When an issue or conflict arises, address it now – sooner rather than later!

When left ignored, whatever negative experience you were trying to avoid has a way of finding you!

2. Stick to ”I” statements

I’ve read three novels in a row where the author chose to artfully share the story through multiple characters and their perspectives. One story, several perspectives.

In the same way, every conflict has multiple perspectives. The same incident, but very different ways of seeing it.

Don’t make the mistake of bringing up a tender topic only to communicate in a blaming, shaming, or accusatory way. No doubt you’ve been on the receiving end of such a tirade…and on the giving end! Conflict dealt with in that way rarely goes well!

Instead, when addressing an issue with someone, share your perspective using “I” statements without guessing or assuming what their motives might be. To help, consider a template like this one:

• • • FACTS: I observed this: ____________ and the impact was: _______________. (Beware, what you think you saw may not be what actually took place!)
    • FEELINGS: I felt this: ____________.
    • FUTURE: Going forward I would like this: ____________.
    • FORM: How might we accomplish that? (Whatever you wanted going forward – Notice the shift to “we” and creating space to collaborate and come up with a solution together.)

For additional conflict resolution models, click here.

3. One By One!

While there may be multiple issues that need resolving, focus on one topic at a time. That goes for both parties – even if you aren’t the one bringing up an issue. It’s tempting to trot out the many other failures, but that’s unproductive and only adds fuel to the fire.  And it’s less complicated if you address issues one at a time as they occur as suggested in tip #1.

4. Listen, Really listen!

Beware! You have a lens. That lens colors what you hear the other person saying. It would be nice if it colored their words in a positive way, but most likely your lens puts a negative spin on their words, actions, or inaction.

That’s why it’s important to slow down and really listen when sorting through a conflict. Even taking it a step further and reflecting back what you heard to be sure you are truly grasping what they are attempting to communicate.

While you may not think about it this way, conflict is a chance for connection! A chance to understand the other person better and yourself better too!

If you like being heard, and I know I do, then offer the gift of really listening to others!

5. Risk Vulnerability

Complaining feels safer, yet you might be surprised to know that complaining is actually voicing your fears. Underneath the complaint is a longing that feels too risky to share.

In the midst of a conflict and swirling emotions, tuning into what you want or need is challenging! It takes practice. Rather than getting sucked into the vortex of a never ending or heated conflict, consider putting on the breaks and requesting a few minutes to gather yourself. Then ask yourself…

• • • What am I feeling?
    • What is that feeling revealing to me?
    • What do I need/want?

If you’ve not been in the habit of connecting to your feelings, those questions might be challenging to answer! However, the more you practice, the easier it gets, which enables you to handle conflict in a healthier way.

It’s also important to recognize that the complaint of the other individual in the conflict is also about a fear of not having something they long for. That’s valuable information for you to know about them – not you, so don’t take it personally.

Conflicts are rarely about the issue on the surface. Be brave and look a little deeper into your own longing and seek to understand the other person’s longing as well so that you are able to negotiate a solution that considers the yearnings of you both.

Be patient with yourself and with others. Being vulnerable and approaching conflict in new ways takes skill and practice.

6. Let Go of What You Think You Know!

Knowing exactly what others are thinking, the motivation behind what they are doing, or whether or not their actions were intentional, is not something you can know for sure unless you’ve asked. The Assumption Iceberg depicts this well:

Your interpretation of the situation may or may not be accurate, so let go of what you think you know, and instead get curious! Ask questions, seek to understand. and resist the urge to assume or judge before you have more information.

7. Give A Heads Up

In the end, the hope is to successfully resolve an issue or conflict. The odds of that happening increase when you avoid bringing up a problem unexpectedly and catch someone by surprise. Instead, give them some advance warning that there’s a topic you’d like to chat about and when might be a good time to do that. That gives the other person a chance to gather their thoughts and handle the conversation more constructively without being triggered into fight, flight, or freeze.

While conflict is often seen in a negative light, conflict isn’t all bad. In many instances, wrestling with a challenge leads to greater understanding of the situation and the people involved, that results in a superior solution.

Each time you navigate a conflict you have the opportunity to practice and improve your conflict resolution skills. Remember, you are a work in progress and so is the person on the other side of the issue! The process may not be text book perfect, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t learning and growing along the way.

In addition to applying the tips above, keep in mind that people want to know that they are loved, respected, and valued. When you convey that you care, respect, and value them even in the midst of conflict it increases trust. And when there is trust – now that makes for a wonderful world!

Where do you get stuck when it comes to resolving conflict?